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Seeing Things/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Pretty ironic, huh? Brent Leroy: What is? Hank: Well, you need to see in order to tighten your glasses, but you can only see by wearing your glasses. Brent: That's not really ironic. It's more of a Catch-22. Hank: It's kinda like if you had a hearing aid and to adjust it, you had to hear things. Brent: I'd be turning mine off right about now. Hank: No, wait. It's like if they had a device that people who had no sense of smell used to help them smell and to use it they had to smell. Brent: Yeah, there it is, the perfect analogy. Anything else would just be gilding the lily. Hank: You know, you always see tiny screwdrivers. But you never see tiny pliers or tiny wrenches. Huh? Right, Brent? Brent: Now, if I snapped one of your arms off, would that be ironic? Hank: Not really, no. Brent: I'd like to do it anyway. Hank: Hey. What are you guys doin'? Davis Quinton: Designing a new decal for the side of the police car. Hank: Hey, cool. Xena. Karen Pelly: No. No warrior princesses. Hank: I know a guy who could airbrush that wicked fast for ya. Karen: It's a police car, not a make-out van. Davis: No reason why it can't be both. Now, this airbrush guy, does he have a portfolio? Hank: Uh, no. A Camaro I think. Davis: I mean does he have an example of his work? Hank: Yeah, I know. It's on his Camaro. Karen: We just want something simple, like a slogan. Hank: Oh, wait, I got it. Karen: Maybe you should stick to, um...whatever it is you do well. Wanda Dollard: How'd ya...? Let me guess. Hank? Brent: Well, it's my fault really. I made friends with him in grade two. Wanda: Well, look at the bright side. Brent: Is the bright side three inches from my face? Otherwise I can't look at it. Wanda: No, I mean it's a good opportunity for you to get new frames. Brent: Yeah? I have an even better solution. Wanda: Nice work, Melvin. Good luck at the science fair. Brent: Come on. It's hardly even noticeable. Brent: Noticeable, huh? Lacey Burrows: I'm sorry. Did you get kicked by a donkey or something? Brent: What if I did? You'd feel bad now. Lacey: At least let me put some clear tape on those. Karen: Hey, two-eyes. Brent: It's not nice to tease, ya know, whoever you are. Karen: Actually, it's a good look. Brings out the face on your head. Brent: Thanks, I think. Karen: You ever thought about laser eye surgery? Brent: Oh, sure, I've thought about it. Brent: Do you expect me to talk? Laser Surgeon: No, Mr. Leroy. I expect you to die. Eventually. But for now, let's just do this laser eye surgery. Lacey: Laser surgery. Brent? Oh, please. He gets squeamish cutting his nails. Brent: I have sensitive cuticles, sensitive manly cuticles. Lacey: Plus you're a chicken. Karen: Don't make fun of Brent. It's not his fault he's a... Lacey: Chicken? Karen: Yeah, I guess it is the best word. Oscar Leroy: Wanda overcharged us 25 cents. Emma Leroy: Gee. I wonder if you'll overreact to this. Oscar: That's two bits. That's a shave and a haircut. Emma: Let's just go. I don't want to... Oscar: What kinda scam is she trying to pull? Emma: No crime too small. Hank: It's the perfect slogan for the side of the police car, "No crime too small." Davis: And Xena says this in a thought bubble? Hank: No, no, no. This slogan's so cool, it works better without Xena. Davis: It is a good slogan. Good thinkin', Hank. Hank: Oh. No, no, wait, wait! I didn't come up with it! It was Emma! Wanda: Laser tag? Count me in. Code name, Savage Fox. Brent: Beside the laser tag. Wanda: Laser hair removal? A little late for that. Brent: I'm looking at the ad for laser eye surgery. Wanda: Ah, good for you. It's an amazing procedure. The laser actually alters the shape of the anterior central cornea. Brent: Yeah. Plus Lacey said I'd be too chicken to do it. Wanda: You can't undergo life-changing surgery because Lacey made fun of you. Brent: Of course not. I'm going to give it careful consideration. Lacey: Hey, guys. Do you have any Shake n' Bake? Brent: Again with the chicken stuff. Well, you know what? I am gettin' that laser eye surgery. Wanda: That was a bit of a leap. Lacey: No. I really was taunting him. Wanda: Oh, you're good. Karen: I just think I should have been consulted, that's all. What's wrong with "To serve and protect"? Davis: "No crime too small." It brands us. Karen: What about "To protect and serve"? Oscar: Hey, Mutt and Jeff. That guy came to a rolling stop. Davis: A rolling stop. It's no big deal. Karen: "To watch and to safen." Oscar: Your door says, "No crime too small." If you don't do somethin', that's false advertising. Davis: Okay, okay. Karen: What, we're actually doing this? Oh, man. Way to brand us. Hank: So you see, I didn't get a chance to tell him that you came up with the slogan. Emma: What slogan? Hank: "No crime too small"? Emma: Did I say that? Hank: Yeah, you were talkin' to Oscar. Emma: Oh, right. I tend to repress a lot of our time together. Hank: So you don't care? Emma: It's shocking how much I don't care. Hank: Are ya sure? Because technically that's your intellectual property. Emma: Well, how about getting off my actual property? Hank: See there? A wordplay, the mark of a great writer. Brent: Hey, thanks for comin' with, Wanda. Wanda: Glad to help, especially since you made it a condition of my continuing employment. Brent: Yeah. I like the part where I did that. Receptionist: Mr. Leroy? The doctor will see you now. Brent: Oh, so he's a doctor. That's a relief. I'll just head on in, then. Receptionist: Aren't you going to wait and drive him home afterwards? Wanda: I'll be driving him home in about four seconds. Brent: He had a model of an eye and he opened it up in half, right in front of me. Wanda: Yeah, yeah, the humanity. Brent: Let's blow this popsicle stand. Hey, that gives me an idea. Brent: Please don't tell Lacey. Wanda: Okay. But she's gonna wonder why your mouth is blue. Brent: No, I mean about me chickening out of laser surgery. Wanda: Actually, a chicken woulda hung in longer than you did. Brent: Yeah, well, a chicken, he doesn't know what's goin' on. The point is, Lacey never needs to know about this. Wanda: I don't want her to know about this. It's more fun watchin' you flail around like a moron trying to fool her. Brent: I knew you'd have my back. All right, let's blow this popsicle stand. Davis: He coughed without covering his mouth? Oscar: Who knows what I coulda picked up from that kid. Karen: Laryngitis would be nice. Oscar: Oh, real funny. I could be at Death's door. Davis: Ring the doorbell. Oscar: You need to start puttin' your money where your slogan is "No crime too small." Karen: I wish our slogan was, "Cranky old men ignored." Oscar: Chop, chop! "No crime too small. No crime too small." Lacey: Well, I'm proud of you, Brent. And I thought you'd chicken out. Brent: Well, if there's one thing we know for sure, it's that I didn't. Lacey: Uh-huh? Hmm. Wow. You sure recovered quickly. Wanda: Oh, the technology has improved so much these days. They're, um, they're using those laser-guided lasers now. Clumsy me. I, I spilt Brent's coffee. Brent: Yeah, geez, Wanda. Good thing you weren't doing the surgery on me. That was a close one. Wanda: I hope this goes on for years. You're going to be staggering into lamp posts, putting Preparation H on your toothbrush. Hank: Hey, got my picture in the Howler. Brent: That happens to you all the time. Hank: Yeah, but this time it's for somethin' good. Lacey: Finally, a headline without the word "mishap" in it. Hank: They spelt "thanks" wrong, but otherwise it's good. Lacey: What do you think about that, Brent? Wanda: About Hank's new slogan for the police car. Brent: Oh. Uh. Cool. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Way ta slogan it up there, Hank. Yeah, good. Good story. Sorry they spelled your name wrong, there, I see. Wanda: It's a big hit, talk of the town. Brent: I can read it myself, Wanda. Sheesh. Oh, it says it's a big hit, talk of the town. Lacey: Uh-huh. Brent: This slogan thing's not a bad idea. Ya think you could come up with one for me? Hank: Hmm. "It's BLT, Brent Leroy time." Brent: I kinda meant for Corner Gas, not for me, personally. Although I do like that. "It's BLT." Oscar: Citizen's arrest. Fitzy Fitzgerald: I just can't do that many bananas at once. They go soft. Oscar: You can make muffins. Davis: Just give us one second, Oscar. Karen: Oscar is driving me crazy. We have to deal with this. Davis: I got an idea. Oscar: Twenty minutes in the oven, or until they're brown on top. Fitzy: Maybe I can put in some raisins. Oscar: Raisins? Book this dirt bag! Hank: Okay, I got it, I got it, the perfect slogan. "Got gas?" Brent: No. Hank: "Do you have gas?" I'll come back later. Wanda: No rush. Brent: How long you been there? Wanda: Okay, you have got to start wearing your glasses again. Brent: Ah, but this morning I ordered contact lenses. This way Lacey will never know I didn't get the eye surgery. It's so crazy it just might work. Wanda: Crazy? It seems pretty straightforward to me. Brent: Yeah, me too. I just like tenting my fingers and acting all schemey. Hank: So, uh, again, sorry about stealing your slogan. Emma: You've already apologized, Hank, many times. Why are you here? Hank: Well, I, you know, I was just thinkin' about Corner Gas. Emma: Uh-huh? Hank: Yeah, it's pretty cool, don't ya think? I sure like it there. Emma: I've noticed. Hank: I wonder why I like hangin' out at Corner Gas so much. Emma: Well, perhaps you need a hobby or a job or a job. Hank: Ah, no. No, no. See, it can't be about me. I mean, um, I'm just trying to put my finger on something special about Corner Gas itself. I mean I like hangin' out there, even when I don't need gas. It's...why? Emma: Whatever, Hank. It's obviously not just about the gas. Oscar: Now that's clever. Why can't you ever come up with stuff like that? Brent: You doubted my plan. But check it out. My contact lenses have arrived. These are contacts, right? I can't see a thing. Wanda: Contacts, or incredibly tiny soup bowls. Brent: In your face. In my face, actually, in the eye part of my face. Geez, that's right. I'm gonna have to put my finger in my eye. Wanda: So what? Don't be a baby. Brent: Whoa, easy there. I'm no baby. Brent: Eeeeuw. Eeeeuw, eeeuw, ee-ee. Davis: We got a tip that there's something happening at that house over there. But, uh, because of red tape, we can't do nothin' about it. Oscar: Red tape? Oh-ho, the worst kind. Davis: Yeah. Karen: We need you to watch and report back. Scratch that. We just need you to watch. Oscar: What am I lookin' for? Davis: You'll know it when ya see it. Oscar: And when I see them, I throw the binoculars at them. Karen: No. You use them to watch. Oscar: "No crime too small." Davis: Exactly. Hank: Hey, whaddaya think? Huh-huh? People really seem to like my slogans. Lacey: Well, that's pretty good. I mean, it's not good that they use the same pun twice, but... Hank: I could do a slogan for you. How about a little message at the bottom of your receipt, something like, "Come again"? Lacey: That's what I have now. Hank: "Please come again"? Hank: You know what other place I like? The Ruby. Emma: Forget it, Hank. I'm onto you. Hank: Onto me how? Emma: I'm not giving you any more slogans so you can take all the credit. Hank: But you said you didn't care. Emma: That's before I knew you were a weasely little weasel. Hank: Fine. But if you don't want to do it for me... Emma: I don't want to do it for you. Hank: Do it for Lacey. Emma: Forget it, you weaselling little weasel face! Hank: But The Ruby. Come on, don't ya like The Ruby? Emma: Of course I like The Ruby. What's not to like? Emma: "What's not to like?" Lacey: Yeah, Hank came up with it. Pretty good, huh? Emma: Weasel boy. Lacey: Hey, Brent. How's things goin'? Brent: Great. The sun's shinin', business is boomin', I never actually got laser eye surgery and I've been lyin' to ya all the while. Lacey: I knew it. It was the lasers, wasn't it? Brent: Well, it wasn't the "Hang in there" kitty poster on the wall, although that was kinda freaky. Lacey: You shouldn't trick people. Brent: You're right. Anyway, now I have to trick Wanda. Lacey: Can I help? Brent: Sure. See, I got contact lenses, but I can't put them in, because in order to put them in, ya have to touch your eyeball and I can't touch my eyeball. And if she finds out I can't touch my eyeball, she's gonna call me a baby. Lacey: It sounds like you are a baby. Brent: Nobody said I was gonna have to touch my eyeball. Lacey: Brent, what did you think the word "contact" meant? Brent: I didn't give it any thought. I mean words don't to mean exactly...hot dog doesn't have any dog in it. Can we just get back to the tricking part? Emma: Hank's stealing my slogan ideas. Karen: Oh, all right, I get it. "No crime too small," right? Emma: Exactly. Karen: You're not gonna start asking us to arrest people for stupid reasons, like Oscar, are you? Emma: No, no, I'm not like Oscar. I'm gonna leave now. Karen: I didn't even want that slogan. I wanted something along the lines of "To serve and protect," just slightly different. Emma: Like what, "To serve and connect"? Karen: Hey, yeah. Thanks, Emma. Emma: You're not gonna ask if you can use it? Wanda: Are they in? I can't see them. Brent: They're contacts. You're not supposed to see them. What do ya think the word "contact" means? Wanda: Why are you squinting? Brent: Oh, uh, it's just workin' the contacts. I probably touched my eyeballs too much earlier. I was really goin' at it. Lacey: You guys, I think I lost an earring. Wanda: Oh. Brent: Oh, that's a drag. Wait a minute. What's that, over there, all the way across the room? Lacey: Nice one, eagle eyes. Wanda: That laser surgery works pretty good, huh? Lacey: Yeah, it's like you have super vision now. Wanda: You saw that earring thirty feet away? Wow. Those are some killer contact lenses. Karen: Hey, Brent, you gotta move your car. We got a call and you're blockin' us in. Brent: Uh, sure. But I'm... Karen: Just move your car. Wanda: Oops. That's, uh, common, actually. The first few days after surgery, you can't see backwards very well, due to the, um, inverting of the, uh, cornea, uh, copia. Lacey: I know he didn't get the laser surgery and I know he's not wearing contacts, because he's too much of a baby to touch his eyeballs. Wanda: You lied to me? Lacey: You lied to me first. Wanda: I fibbed. It's different. Why are we turning on each other? If anything, we should be turning on Brent. Lacey: Let's get him back. Wanda: And I think I know how. Lacey: What are you doing? Wanda: Schemey fingers. Picked it up from Brent. Try it. Lacey: Whoa, that is schemey. Helen Jensen: Throw the book at him. You Peeping Tom. Oscar: I was workin' for the cops. Tell 'em, you two. Davis: I just told you to look around the house, not inside it. Helen: I want you to arrest him. Karen: It looks like we'll have to run you in. Oscar: For lookin' through binoculars? Karen: "No crime too small." Oscar: What? That's just a stupid slogan. It doesn't mean you have to arrest me. Karen: Ya-ha! If we don't have to arrest you for stupid things, we don't have to arrest anyone. Oscar: All right, all right. Helen: But I want you to arrest him. I don't feel safe in my own house. Karen: Ah, get over yourself. Hank: Oh, hey, hey, check it out. Man, it feels good to be published. Jenny (Ruby Receipt Customer #1): Excuse me. This "What's not to like?" at the bottom, is that an actual question? Because I filled out some things I didn't like. Jane (Ruby Receipt Customer #2): Yeah. I filled out my quiz too. There's more stuff on the back. Lacey: Okay. It's just a slogan. Jenny: Well, it's a tad presumptuous. Jane: She's right. It's like your receipt is looking down on me. Jenny: This slogan is going on my list. Hank: Ow. Lacey: Great slogan, Hank. Thanks a lot! Hank: Oh, no, no. It wasn't mine, it was Emma's? Lacey: Come on! Don't blame Emma for your bad ideas. Wanda: Oh, hey, Lacey. Love your hair band. Lacey: Hmm. Wanda: Don't ya love her hair band? Brent: Yeah, it looks great. Lacey: I'm not wearing a hair band. Brent: Oh, geez, Wanda. Maybe you need contact lenses or laser surgery. Wanda: Who are ya talkin' to? I'm over here. Brent: I know. I was, uh, lookin' at the... Lacey: Oh, Brent, I'm not sure about my new slogan on my receipts. What do you think? It's printed right there at the bottom, in tiny little letters. Brent: Oh. Well, um... Hank: Lacey, I think you should give my slogan a second chance. Brent: Which slogan is that, Hank? Hank: You know, "What's not to like?" Brent: Oh, right, like it says here. I'm with Hank. Give it another shot. Lacey: That's not what it says there. Hank: Aw, come on. You changed it already? "Brent Leroy lies to his friends and is afraid to touch his eyeballs." It's kinda weird. But if you think it'll drum up business. Wanda: The jig's up, Chuckles. Hank: That could work. It's shorter. Brent: Fine. Fine. You know, you two should be ashamed of yourselves, with the trickery and deceit and shameless hosery. Lacey: Nothin' stings more than bein' bested at your own game. Wanda: Uh-uh. Don't do the finger thing after the scheme. Do it before. Lacey: Oh, right. Davis: "To serve and connect." I don't like it. Karen: It's just a slogan. Move on. Lacey: Here ya go, guys. Karen: Thanks. "To serve and connect?" Hey, that's ours. Emma: I didn't say you could have it. Category:Transcripts